Lions and tigers and TOE NAILS..... oh my!

2/16

Dear Lord, Please forgive me.

Let me make it clear, I love my mother in law! I just firmly believe she is out to destroy me..... mentally!

It all started like this................... Husband is getting ready for bed. I am in my jammies. Daughter is settling down for the night and getting ready to watch a movie with me!

MIL (Mother-in-law) sits on the couch. I see her in my peripheral vision staring at me. 
She is obviously testing the fence for weakness. I do my very best to ignore her piercing gaze. 
She is relentless.  It happens......
"Daughter in law, I have a favor to ask you!" 

me (dear Lord I can't imagine what it is this time) "yes?"

MIL - "I need you to look at my toe!" 

me (IMMEDIATELY SEEKING FETAL POSITION throws husband under the bus!) "Husband is the man for the job!!!!" SCREAMING husbands name with fear and anxiety "HUSBAND!!!!! YOUR MOM NEEDS YOU!!!!" 

*Enter husband*
  
MIL - "Son, I need your help! The side of my toe is killing me!"

Husband looks at me as though he is in great pain and scared.
(I, inside, am cracking up!)

MIL takes off her knee high that only people over a certain age wear, the kind that holds in the veins.
Husband is on his knees waiting to see the toe.
Husband springs from knees! Airborne yelling "YEAH!!!! YOU NEED A DOCTOR!!!! GET SOME CLIPPERS! TRIM THAT! I'm NOT doing it, mom! NO. No. No. NOOOOO!"

I'm dead. I'm dead...... I died.

I can not even hold it in now. Tears are rolling down my face. I'm laughing and nauseated at the same time. How is this possible? MIL looks lost. Husband looks scared. I look moronic, I am certain.

MIL's foot is a different shade of blue and ash. I can not explain it any better than that. It has large protruding blue veins that are affecting the overall shade. I am certain mine will be gross as well at this age, but as I can NOT STAND OR STOMACH FEET. Unless they are cute and fat, little baby feet. I would also rather DIE or have it amputated than to ask my daughter or son in law to check my toe.

Husband now retreats upstairs to leave me alone and defenseless with "the toe".

MIL goes into her bathroom and promptly returns with clippers. Great.
She starts whittling away at the nail with choppy snips.

I am watching the toe pieces fall haplessly into my carpet as a final resting place!?! WTH???? Are you serious?? My mind is racing. I am now just a few short seconds short of gagging. All I can picture is my daughter walking on the dead foot crap on my floor.

I hand her a garbage can and ask her to please think about what she is doing! She gets defensive.
with a tskkkk noise followed by "It's JUST toe nail clippings!!!!" Like shes disgusted with ME for being disgusted with her???? Are you shitting me?????

I said, without time to cool "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!!!!! It is DISGUSTING!!!! USE THE CAN, PLEASE. And PLEASE clean up the pieces of your foot off the floor!!!!"

Her answer "The dog will eat it"

Please for the love of God, kill me NOW! Put me out of my misery.

I retreat upstairs, not really knowing what to do except if I am going to suffer through this, husband is CERTAINLY going to suffer as well!!!!

Husband is tucked peacefully into bed looking as calm, peaceful and relaxed as can be! I need to quickly change this.

"HUSBAND!!!!! There are pieces of toe in the carpet!!! Your mother is clipping away pieces and letting them fall to the carpet!! I gave her a garbage can and explained why, she said its just toe nail and the dog would eat it!!!!!!"

Husband replies with "Do you hate me????"

We laugh and decide to immediately try and forget this evening ever happened.

Yeah.............. Good luck with that!!!!

Dun dun dunnnnnnnn and this is worse than what crawled out of the well.
Your welcome.