Lions and tigers and TOE NAILS..... oh my!

2/16

Dear Lord, Please forgive me.

Let me make it clear, I love my mother in law! I just firmly believe she is out to destroy me..... mentally!

It all started like this................... Husband is getting ready for bed. I am in my jammies. Daughter is settling down for the night and getting ready to watch a movie with me!

MIL (Mother-in-law) sits on the couch. I see her in my peripheral vision staring at me. 
She is obviously testing the fence for weakness. I do my very best to ignore her piercing gaze. 
She is relentless.  It happens......
"Daughter in law, I have a favor to ask you!" 

me (dear Lord I can't imagine what it is this time) "yes?"

MIL - "I need you to look at my toe!" 

me (IMMEDIATELY SEEKING FETAL POSITION throws husband under the bus!) "Husband is the man for the job!!!!" SCREAMING husbands name with fear and anxiety "HUSBAND!!!!! YOUR MOM NEEDS YOU!!!!" 

*Enter husband*
  
MIL - "Son, I need your help! The side of my toe is killing me!"

Husband looks at me as though he is in great pain and scared.
(I, inside, am cracking up!)

MIL takes off her knee high that only people over a certain age wear, the kind that holds in the veins.
Husband is on his knees waiting to see the toe.
Husband springs from knees! Airborne yelling "YEAH!!!! YOU NEED A DOCTOR!!!! GET SOME CLIPPERS! TRIM THAT! I'm NOT doing it, mom! NO. No. No. NOOOOO!"

I'm dead. I'm dead...... I died.

I can not even hold it in now. Tears are rolling down my face. I'm laughing and nauseated at the same time. How is this possible? MIL looks lost. Husband looks scared. I look moronic, I am certain.

MIL's foot is a different shade of blue and ash. I can not explain it any better than that. It has large protruding blue veins that are affecting the overall shade. I am certain mine will be gross as well at this age, but as I can NOT STAND OR STOMACH FEET. Unless they are cute and fat, little baby feet. I would also rather DIE or have it amputated than to ask my daughter or son in law to check my toe.

Husband now retreats upstairs to leave me alone and defenseless with "the toe".

MIL goes into her bathroom and promptly returns with clippers. Great.
She starts whittling away at the nail with choppy snips.

I am watching the toe pieces fall haplessly into my carpet as a final resting place!?! WTH???? Are you serious?? My mind is racing. I am now just a few short seconds short of gagging. All I can picture is my daughter walking on the dead foot crap on my floor.

I hand her a garbage can and ask her to please think about what she is doing! She gets defensive.
with a tskkkk noise followed by "It's JUST toe nail clippings!!!!" Like shes disgusted with ME for being disgusted with her???? Are you shitting me?????

I said, without time to cool "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!!!!! It is DISGUSTING!!!! USE THE CAN, PLEASE. And PLEASE clean up the pieces of your foot off the floor!!!!"

Her answer "The dog will eat it"

Please for the love of God, kill me NOW! Put me out of my misery.

I retreat upstairs, not really knowing what to do except if I am going to suffer through this, husband is CERTAINLY going to suffer as well!!!!

Husband is tucked peacefully into bed looking as calm, peaceful and relaxed as can be! I need to quickly change this.

"HUSBAND!!!!! There are pieces of toe in the carpet!!! Your mother is clipping away pieces and letting them fall to the carpet!! I gave her a garbage can and explained why, she said its just toe nail and the dog would eat it!!!!!!"

Husband replies with "Do you hate me????"

We laugh and decide to immediately try and forget this evening ever happened.

Yeah.............. Good luck with that!!!!

Dun dun dunnnnnnnn and this is worse than what crawled out of the well.
Your welcome.

The start of it all.

The beginning......

I should have known better. I should have put my shoes back on and hauled ass!!
I should have ran and never looked back!

But he was so cute.

1/23/07 I met the man of my dreams. It was at a bar and when he came in it was like the parting of the red sea! I knew I had to know him. My girlfriend made me go out that night! I NEVER went out, I was in a slump. But I thank God I went! (I bitched nonstop till this point) I HAD TO KNOW HIM!!!!!!

So I stalked him! I introduced myself and said I liked his long hair, he touched my hair and it was over. I was done. Stick a fork in me and set me on a tarp! You NEVER touch a vulnerable girls hair!! You are totally banked in her "What would he be like in bed?" log.
He was surrounded by stuck in the 80's, big hair women when I walked up to him. That did not bother me at all..... ok, yes it did. Aquanet skanks!

I decided at that time it was a good moment to exit stage left.

This was the beautiful period of my space! I found his friend that was with him at the bar on my space! My girlfriend that was with me knew him! I figured if I was ever to find this stranger that I knew was my soul mate, he was my door to open! Apparently he remembered me! (This is one of husbands and my fav things to laugh about)
He asked me out about 5 times and my response EVERY time was "Will husband be there??"
He finally got the hint.

He passed my info on to husband and a date was immediately set! His butt wanted every ounce of my crazyness *wink*

We met at starbucks! I needed a public place because I am VERY protective of my vagina, and who knew if my soul mate was into making skin coats? "She puts the lotion in the basket" is not my thing.

He could tell I was scared to death. I almost felt like a school kid who was hot for teacher! Now i'm humming Van Halen. *SIT DOWN, WALDO* It would probably help you to know he was married once before, much calmer than I could EVER hope to be and 9 years my senior! He did everything he could to make me laugh.
We decided we did not want this date to end, it really was weird how we both just knew "this is it"!
We wound up at the movies to see Lake Placid pt2! Didn't watch a single minute of it.

He ended up proposing on 2/3/07! No, I am not kidding. I landed that fish like it was my job!

That is when I decided I should probably meet "the baggage".

2/16/2015

Let me start with a brief introduction/explanation.

I am a thirty-something mother of two who is married to my husband, and his mother.

When you get married, your life will NEVER be the same.

So you meet this man. He is perfect for you. His face, his heart, his sense of humor, his taste in music, his voice and dear God his skills in bed! You do not take into consideration that he comes with baggage! Baggage that will KILL dead the last "skill" mentioned.
You meet said baggage, and decided he is worth it!!!!! You love him, you want to grow old and die in his arms.

You have a child together.

Then you move the baggage in. She is old baggage and you feel bad she is lonely!
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! ABORT!! ABORT!! ABORT!!!!!!!!!!

This blog is how to survive "The baggage".

I am going to tell you my stories from day 1!
The day I should have known better, but was blinded by love!

This blog is for women, to learn what to watch for and how to protect yourself!
This blog is for mother-in-laws to take in to account how NOT to ruin your sons marriage!
This blog is for all men with mothers! YOU ALWAYS TAKE YOUR WIVES SIDE!!!! Dummies.
This blog is for me....... To help maintain sanity!

I look forward to blogging with you about my live in she-devil!

For privacy reasons we shall refer to me as ME or I!  husband, as husband! Daughter(6yrs), as daughter or crazy pants! Son(15yrs), as son or sometimes "The teen hell bent on making me nuttier than squirrel shit"! Wiley is our dog.
And finally, the one who is trying to test the fences for weak spots like a hungry wolf  ready to slaughter the unsuspecting lamb........ Roe or MIL!

Welcome to my blog. Fasten your seat belts and enjoy your ride on the crazy train!!